As I have been connecting with different groups within the disability community, I have often wondered how to best have a conversation with someone using a wheelchair. How can I be more inclusive in conversations? I scoured several different forums and blogs to learn how I can best interact with people that use wheelchairs.
The first question I searched was “Should You Bend Over To Talk To Someone In A Wheelchair?” The response from wheelchair users is to never bend over to talk to them. There are many different perspectives on how to best interact with someone in a wheelchair, but this lesson was agreed on by virtually everyone who answered this question.
Why Is It Considered Rude To Bend Down To Anyone In Wheelchairs?
When you bend down to talk to someone in a wheelchair, they feel like they’re being treated like a child.
Here’s an example: Imagine how you would feel if someone at work stood on a stool, and looked down on you while having a conversation. While their intent may be good, the body language often indicates that the person below is being dominated.
“Stooping is usually patronizing, an act of putting yourself on the level of a child even though you outrank them socially, and it is hard to get past that ingrained symbolism.”
– Jennifer M Bailey on Quora
Is Kneeling When Speaking To Somebody In A Wheelchair Offensive?
While this answer is highly debated, the general consensus is that kneeling is not considered offensive. However, a majority of wheelchair users prefer it when you stand or sit so conversations are more casual.
Many wheelchairs users share that when people meet them at their level – whether by grabbing a chair or kneeling – they don’t strain their necks.
Here’s another example: Let’s say you are in a crowded room with a lot of background noise. As you’re having a conversation with someone in a wheelchair, it’s hard to hear them and there is nowhere to sit. In this case, kneeling could be considered appropriate.
Here are some insights from wheelchair users on Quora:
“[I]n my personal opinion, I appreciate someone coming to my level seeing how I obviously can not get up to theirs. It’s including me into something that they could very well ignore or exclude me from out of fear of being ‘rude’.”
– Kayla-Lea on Quora
“I use a wheelchair outside the house. My mother and grandpa both progressed to complete paraplegics from the same condition I have. […] We once had a minister who would take a knee if talking to Mom for a long period, which she appreciated because craning her neck for the entire series of small talk both before and after service sometimes became uncomfortable.”
Jennifer M Bailey on Quora
What often irritates wheelchair users is when people make a “big show” of the effort they are making to include them. If you are genuinely interested in having a conversation with someone who is using a wheelchair, just treat them like you would anyone else. Make sure you are in a comfortable area if you want to hold a long conversation.
If you are nervous about offending someone by kneeling, here is some advice from Susie Levitt, a wheelchair user who shared her thoughts on Quora:
“My suggestion for you is that you start by kneeling, and if someone is offended, they will let you know.”
How Do You Interact With Someone In A Wheelchair?
When you are talking with someone who is a wheelchair user, you may not know the best way to interact with them. After all, you don’t know their backstory, and you don’t want to offend anyone either. So what do you do? Here is how to interact with someone in a wheelchair:
- Treat Them Like You Would Anyone Else
- Talk Directly With The Person
- Include Everyone In A Group Conversation
- Pay Attention To Your Environment
- Avoid Making Assumptions
- Respect Personal Boundaries
- Don’t Touch Their Wheelchair
- Don’t Place Any Objects On Their Wheelchair
- Accommodate Wheelchair Users In Walkways, But Don’t Overdo It
- When Pushing A Wheelchair User, Communicate Clearly
- Always Follow The Wheelchair User’s Directions When Pushing Them
- Ask Before Providing Assistance
- Avoid Moving The Person’s Wheelchair Unless They Ask For Help
- When In Doubt, Ask Questions
Treat Them Like You Would Anyone Else
First, remember that people with disabilities are people first. Engage with them just like you would with anyone else who doesn’t use a wheelchair. A lot of wheelchair users share that in conversations, they can tell that people focus on their wheelchair instead of focusing on the conversation. Remember that you are just talking with another person, and that person just happens to use a mobility device.
Talk Directly With The Person
When starting a conversation with someone using a wheelchair, talk directly to them rather than the person with them. Some people assume that the wheelchair user has developmental disabilities and talk down to them when it is unnecessary. Or, they talk to the person that is next to them. Not all wheelchair users have developmental disabilities, and not all of them are deaf. And if they do have additional difficulties, the same advice still applies.
Include Everyone In A Group Conversation
Oftentimes, when friends are gathering and there is a wheelchair user in the group, they will stand up talking, then move away from the wheelchair user. If you want to help wheelchair users feel included in conversations, make a circle for conversation, and be sure to make eye contact with them. Also, if you’re having a conversation while standing, be sure you’re standing far enough away so the wheelchair user doesn’t have to strain their neck.
Another tip is when you and a group of friends are walking, make sure you are standing to the side of the wheelchair user rather than behind. If someone is pushing them, it’s often easier for wheelchair users to engage in conversation when you’re in their line of sight.
Pay Attention to Your Environment
When talking with someone using a wheelchair, pay attention to your environment. If you are standing in front of a light source (such as a window), make sure the person can see you. The light from behind can obscure your face and make it harder to engage in conversation.
Also, if you are in a crowded room with lots of noise, and you want to have a more in-depth conversation, you could say “I’m having a hard time hearing with all of this background noise. Do you want to move somewhere quieter?”
Avoid Making Assumptions
One common mistake that people make is they make assumptions about the person’s capabilities because they use a wheelchair. Unknowingly, people have been programmed to believe that people with disabilities are incapable of doing things independently. In reality, this is often not the case.
Just like everyone else in life, we don’t know people’s backstory. When interacting with someone in a wheelchair, avoid making assumptions about their disability and capabilities.
Respect Personal Boundaries
It is also important to respect personal boundaries. For people that use wheelchairs, their mobility device is often seen as an extension of their body. On Spin The Globe, Sylvia Longmire, shares her insights:
“Most people see wheelchair users and their mobility devices as two separate things. The truth is, our wheelchairs are as much a part of our bodies as our arms and legs. We know every vibration and every bump, and have a very finely tuned sense of location and balance. This is why it can throw us off, and sometimes place us in danger, if you touch or move our chairs without permission.
For example, would you ever grab a stranger’s hand and start pulling them along with you? Would you ever lean on someone you didn’t know for support? Then it’s probably not a great idea to start pushing someone’s chair or lean on their head rest without their permission. It’s a violation of our private space, and we’d prefer if you’d refrain from doing so.”
Don’t Touch Their Wheelchair
Unless they specifically ask for assistance, do not touch the person’s wheelchair. This includes leaning against their chair, holding onto the handles, or resting your feet on it. Not only is this disrespectful to someone’s personal boundaries, it prevents wheelchair users from moving freely.
Don’t Place Any Objects On Their Wheelchair
Some wheelchair users shared that people will sometimes place personal items, such as a jacket or bag, on their wheelchair without asking. Now imagine if a colleague asked you to carry around their belongings when they are completely capable of finding a more responsible place to place their items. That would be pretty inconsiderate. So unless someone offers to hold your items, do not place it on their wheelchair.
Accommodate Wheelchair Users In Walkways, But Don’t Overdo It
One common complaint that wheelchair users share is that when they are traveling on a sidewalk, or they are in a grocery store, people who are not familiar with disabilities practically “jump” out of their way. And parents make their children move far away from them. In many cases, this is not necessary, since a lot of buildings and sidewalks are wide enough for traffic each way. If the path is really narrow and awkward, sure, move out of the way. But if you are just walking down the street, it’s unnecessary to go over the top.
When Pushing A Wheelchair User, Communicate Clearly
If you are pushing someone in a wheelchair, it is crucial to keep an open line of communication. Always make sure they are ready before you push them. And always tell them before you let go of the handles. While some wheelchair users can feel when you let go, others don’t get any warning. When you let go of their chair, it can put them in serious danger.
Always Follow The Wheelchair User’s Directions When Pushing Them
Let’s say you are pushing someone in a wheelchair into a grocery store. They want to go over to check out the produce aisle, but you take them to the deli department instead. This action upsets wheelchair users because they know that if they weren’t in a wheelchair, you wouldn’t physically force them to come with you to that Deli department. When you’re pushing someone in a wheelchair, always follow their directions.
Ask Before Providing Assistance
Another assumption some people make is that people who are wheelchair users need extra assistance with daily activities. There are many adults and children with disabilities who do not need extra assistance. It just may take them more time to accomplish tasks, and they may have to go about tasks differently.
Before providing assistance, ask the person if they would like help. If not, please do not insist. Additionally, it is helpful to clarify the assistance the person may need.
Avoid Moving The Person’s Wheelchair Unless They Ask For Help
Expanding on the point above, it’s best to avoid pushing someone’s wheelchair. People who use their wheelchair regularly often do not need assistance. However, some extra assistance may be needed if you are in an inaccessible area without wheelchair ramps.
When in Doubt, Ask Questions
In life, there is always going to be people who get offended at the tiniest of things. There is nothing you can do about it. However, I know that many people in the disability community want you to ask them questions, as long as they are respectful. When you ask questions, it helps pave the way for inclusion
Avoid Asking Overly Personal Questions
It’s in our human nature to be curious. However, some questions should be avoided unless you have a close friendship or relationship with a person using a wheelchair.
Many people in this disability community share some of the most common questions they receive, and why it’s best to avoid them.
Here is the list of things to avoid saying to a person in a wheelchair:
- Why Are You In A Wheelchair?
- Do You Know This Person Who Also Uses A Wheelchair?
- Can you do… (fill in the blank)?
Why Are You In A Wheelchair?
Across all of the forums and groups, this question is one that is often asked by strangers, and generally is not welcomed. The reason why someone may need to use a mobility device is very personal. When you think about it, it’s a pretty odd question for a stranger to ask.
Do You Know This Person That Uses A Wheelchair?
While there are many disability organizations and online groups, this does not mean that everyone that uses a wheelchair knows someone else in a wheelchair.
According to the Wheelchair Foundation, “In the 34 developed countries it is estimated that 1% or 10,000,000 people require a wheelchair.” If 10,000,000 people require a wheelchair, then it is unlikely that one wheelchair user knows the person you are referring to.
Can You Do… (fill in the blank)
There are many daily life responsibilities that wheelchair users can do. Many live independently, can drive, are married, have kids, and run their own businesses. The common misconception that disability equals inability can cause people to ask wheelchair users awkward questions.
Every wheelchair user has different needs. Something that one wheelchair user can do may not be possible for another. If you’re curious about someone’s experiences as a wheelchair user, explore blogs online where people are comfortable sharing details about their life. If you want to do an activity that a wheelchair user can’t participate in, they will often let you know. Then, you can work things out to accommodate them.
Conclusion
After researching how to interact with someone in a wheelchair, the key lesson I learned is to treat them just like anyone else. People with disabilities are people first.
Every wheelchair user has different preferences on what helps them feel comfortable during conversations, but this guide is based on the collective response from multiple forums and groups.
“Human beings are an incredibly inconsistent bunch. What works for one of us may make another’s skin crawl. This is especially true in the case of people with disabilities, and since disability is such an emotionally charged topic, you’re bound to offend somebody somewhere at some point.”
– Susie Levitt on Quora
If you are not familiar with talking to someone that uses a wheelchair, and you feel awkward the first time or so, that’s okay. The fact that you’re making an effort to include them is already a huge leap forward.